The Nico di Angelo Dating Show!
by Qu0thTheRavenNeverm0re
Summary: Poor Nico! He always seems to get paired up with all the Mary Sues. But who doesn't like torturing the most attractive demigod around? Lucky for Nico, though, he has one thing that most Suethors usually forget- common sense. Not script format!
1. Prologue

**You'll notice that it mentions stuff about both Percy and Jason, and probably wonder around what book this story is supposed to take place. The truth is, I have no idea. If you mean for ages sake, I'd say maybe Son of Neptune. Speaking of ages, does anyone know how old Nico is supposed to be as of the latest book? I'm going with about 14, but let me know if I'm wrong.**

**Chapter 1: Meet Jenna and Leif**

Nico di Angelo was walking through the grape fields, producing a prominent air of Nico-swag- oh wait, that's just what the delusional noob-authors say. In actuality, he was plodding along like any normal angst- ridden son of Hades would do. Though I suspect that's not what the noobs saw. But that's beside the point.

A rustle sounded from a nearby laurel bush, along with suppressed whispers and loud thumps followed by an "Ow!". A camera lens with the cap still on poked out from amongst the leaves and was jerked quickly back in. The commotion died down until there were only a few slight branch movements any unsuspecting onlooker would think was just the wind. Nico snapped his head up, looked back at the bush, then shrugged and kept walking- he was probably too busy acting all badass (a.k.a. minding his own business).

"Are you sure this is a good idea?" said one of the bush's occupants, a strawberry-blonde satyr with an unfortunate case of acne. He was tall and lanky, and he kept adjusting the position of his goat-legs in attempt to get comfortable in the enclosed space. Evidently, he wasn't comfortable with whatever they were doing. He glanced nervously in either direction like someone was going to jump in on them at any moment.

The other person in the bush, a mousey- looking demigod, rolled her eyes. "Dude, this is our big chance! We could actually _do _something for a change. You'll get a chance to make friends, and I'll get a distraction from the hot sauce!"

The satyr eyed the girl doubtfully. She was a daughter of Hermes, pretty much another insignificant 14 year old except for one thing; he obsession with hot sauce. She put it on _everything_- sandwiches, waffles, mixed into her evening glass of milk... she couldn't get enough of it. This wasn't limited to food and drink- sometimes she even spread it on random objects when she was nervous. She was doing that now with the branches of the bush, and was about to absentmindedly pour some on the camera until the satyr snatched the bottle away.

He bleated nervously."But Jenna, you know how much that kid creeps me out. Why couldn't we do this with someone nice, like Percy? He's pretty handsome. Or Jason. I'll bet a lot of girls would like Jason."

"Because," the girl, Jenna, replied, looking down and blushing. It probably wouldn't be a good time to mention her secret crush on the dark boy with messy hair who showed up mysteriously from time to time. Not even Leif, the satyr, knew about it, and he had been her best friend since the time he dragged her up Half Blood Hill when after finding her semi-conscious behind the Tabasco factory. "Percy _is _cute and nice, and so is Jason, but the noob authors don't _care_ about cute or nice. They want a straight up bad boy, who wears a chain for a belt and carries a Stygian Iron sword! Come on, Leif. Nico never stays for longer than a week, and who knows when he's going to come back. It's now, or never."

Leif hesitated, then shrugged reluctantly. "I guess," he mumbled. "But I'm not going on camera, and if _anyone_ tells Nico about this, or Chiron about where the video camera went... I was _never_ involved."

"Deal!" Jenna said brightly, then pulled out her spare bottle of sauce. She knew he would agree. He always did what she asked him to, which was part of the reason he made such a good best friend. She tended to have some pretty wild ideas. She thrust the camera at Leif, who uncapped the lens and held it up to his shoulder. Jenna took a long swig of hot sauce and flashed him the thumbs- up.

"Rolling in five... four... three... two... one..." he muttered.

The demigod put on her camera-face just as the little red light turned on on the mechanism. "Good afternoon, half- bloods and nature spirits. I'm Jenna Malone here with the first episode of the first camp broadcast in history. Every week, we'll watch our favorite son of Hades become confused out of his mind, like we usually do every time a new crop of OCs invade camp. But this time, _we've got it on camera._ Ladies and gentlemen, I'm proud to introduce... The Nico di Angelo Dating Show!"

Leif looked back through the leaves one more time, stared at Jenna like she was out of her mind, and did a big fat _facepalm._

**This isn't exactly a submit-a-sue; that would be kind of boring and stressful for me. You can most certainly submit ideas though, and they can be as broad or specific as you'd like. Just don't send in an entire character with a form and stuff. Basically, a Sue is going to be featured in each chapter, all with different cliched personalities, and she's going to try and steal Nico's heart. Nico, however, will think they are insane. Tell me what you think should or could happen- characters, events, reactions, mock dates, et cetera. For now, my Sue ideas include the classic good-at-everything-prophecy-star Sue, the sweet, shy violet, the annoying badass, the strange, dark, moody girl, and the extremely beautiful one who's probably a nymph or something. There's one other rule: no submitting an OC to be host with Jenna and Leif. No exceptions. So, have fun, and may the force be with you. **


	2. Chapter 1: The Endlessly Talented Sue

**Following the advice of a reviewer, I'm going to make this into more of a story. So please don't submit any more Sues. I didn't exactly want that in the first place, but no matter. :) Sorry if you submitted one. If you notice, I did use a couple of the things suggested.**

Chapter One: The Endlessly Talented Sue

"Okay, I'm turning the camera on, but you have to stay quiet," Jenna whispered to her two companions. She set down her hot sauce and removed the camera from its pouch.

Leif rolled his eyes. "I don't think you'll get very far trying to tell _her_ what to do." He glanced at the third person hiding behind the cabin with them, who wasn't listening anyway. She was too busy analyzing a college textbook, finding a cure for cancer, slaying the Minotaur, and filing her nails.

"Oh, is it time for me to go on?" said the girl sweetly. Her manicured hot pink nails fiddled with a lock of flaxen hair with lavender streaks. She fluttered her feathery eyelashes. "I wonder if Nico will like me." Her cheeks turned a slight shade of ruby, only complimenting her looks further.

"Don't worry, he won't," muttered Leif. Jenna shot him a look.

"Of course he will," Jenna assured her, smiling like a weight loss pill salesman. "Just be yourself! Tell him all about all the things you've accomplished. That'll be sure to impress him."

The other girl seemed to not have heard her, seeing as she was listing all her goals and ambitions to herself, in a melodious voice, of course. Jenna shot Leif a thumbs up over the girl's shoulder. Leif just shook his head in disgust.

Jenna suddenly heard someone approaching. "Quick! Here he comes now!" She quickly crouched next to her satyr friend while his fingers scrambled to find the camera's power button. The Mary Sue glided out from the hiding spot.

Nico stopped walking, surprised at having a person seemingly appear in his path.

"Hello!" said the Mary Sue warmly. "Fancy seeing you here!" She flashed him a dazzling white smile.

Nico looked at her, confused. "Well, yeah, um, this is the Hades cabin, so it happens to be the place I sleep."

"Oh! How funny!" said the Sue. She took Nico's hand, who tried to jerk it back, but the Sue's grip was unforgiving. "Well! My name is Calliope Carmella Crystalline Cornucopia Cosmicharadon! And who might you be?"

"Uh, I'm Ni-"

"Oh, everyone knows who _you_ are, Nico!" Calliope laughed a laugh that was like the tinkle of a thousand silver bells. "But I suppose you wouldn't know me. I'm a nobody." She sighed, her violet eyes looking wistful.

"Yeah, I don't think we've ever met before," replied the uninterested Nico, still trying to free himself from Calliope's grasp.

"I guess we just changed that!" she exclaimed. "Yes, maybe most people don't know me. But I do have a few hobbies. For instance, I double majored in rocket science and social justice at Harvard when I was in seventh grade. I play twenty seven instruments and happen to be the first one-woman symphony ever. I designed this dress and sell my other clothes to make money. I do donate it all to charity, though, so that's why I was living on the streets before I found my way here. My mortal parent died, of course, but I still have yet to discover who my godly parent is. Everyone keeps saying I'm a daughter of Aphrodite on account of my looks, but almost every time I bare handedly slayed a Gorgon in my childhood, they told me I was a child of one of the Big Three! How exciting! I only hope it isn't Hades, and you know why?" Calliope put her other hand on his shoulder flirtatiously and gazed at him.

Nico shook her off. "That's great." He had stopped listening long ago was looking around for means of escape. "Look, Canteloupe or whatever your name is, it was great getting to know you, but I've got somewhere to be. Can this wait awhile?" _Maybe once I've gotten far, far away from here, maybe deep in the Fields of Asphodel, _he thought. He 'd seen creepy things in the Underworld, for sure, but the last thing he wanted was some 16 year old creeping on him. He wasn't even out of junior high!

"Oh," Calliope said glumly. "I understand. I was just wondering, since I'm new and all, and I've never learned to fight... could you teach me? You can show me how to use a sword! I mean, I _have_ been fighting Gorgons since I was five, but I wouldn't know how to fight a _real_ monster..."

Conveniently, a huge Laistrygonian, bigger than anyone had ever seen, came tromping over Half Blood Hill at that very moment. Campers panicked and ran in all directions as it knocked down trees and chariots, which somehow caught on fire as they fell.

"MEEAAATTT!" it groaned as it tried to pick up the screaming demigods. Calliope instantly took off for the giant, finally releasing Nico. He rubbed his wrist and sighed in agitation.

"Taste this, Fathead!" Calliope cried as she vaulted off a pegasus and jumped on the ogre's head. Lasers shot out of her eyes, and she conjured a beautiful golden sword out of thin air and sliced the monster right down the face. She then backflipped onto his shoulders and, using telekinesis, hurled a flaming tree right at his heart.

The giant sunk to his knees. "NOOOO!" it cried. Calliope leapt nimbly off of his shoulders and landed like a ballerina.

She crept back over to the giant as the camp watched on in silence.

"Fathead... only... wanted... food..." stuttered the dying giant. Calliope laid a hand on him.

"Oh, you poor thing!" she sobbed. "I'm so sorry!"

Calliope then began crying tears of diamond, which dripped onto the Laistrygonian's heart. Suddenly, he was lifted off the ground and became a giant fairy!

"Girl save me with power of love!" he announced joyfully. "I no eat people no more!"

Great rejoicing broke out amongst the camp. Nameless extra characters hoisted Calliope onto their backs and cheered. "Oh, you're too kind," she told them as they paraded her around. "I've never even fought a real monster before!"

From behind the cabin, Leif and Jenna stared at each other, wondering what had just happened.

"Did you get that on camera?" Jenna whispered. Leif nodded, his eyes still wide.

Suddenly, none other than Chiron came cantering over to the crowd!

"The prophecy!" he shouted. "It can't be..."

The campers looked at each other.

"What prophecy?" asked a random Apollo camper innocently.

"_The_ prophecy..." the horse-man replied. "The Uber Mega Rainbow Prophecy of Death, of course!"

Everyone stared at him.

"No, really!" he protested. "That's what it's called!" He cleared his throat and spoke in an ominous tone.

_"The really important daughter of the Sky Lord sent from above  
>Will vanquish all evil through the power of love<br>When danger threatens, she'll save everyone's asses on a really intense quest  
>And prove herself loyal... oh, screw it, I can't rhyme!"<em>

Everyone immediately began overreacting.

Calliope gasped. "The daughter of the Sky Lord! Do you think that has anything to do with my godly parent?"

"Gee, I don't know," mumbled Nico, who immmediately wished he hadn't said anything because Calliope reached out and pulled him on top of the mound of people.

"I will go on the quest!" she told everyone. They cheered. "And I will take Nico with me! Who will, of course, find himself falling for my charms and profess his love to me as I rescue him using my amazing fighting skills!" They cheered some more. Except for Nico, who was, of course, trying to get away.

"Let me go, lady!" said Nico. "You're insane! I'm only thirteen!"

Luckily, Hades had mercy on him, and the ground opened up and swallowed him.

The crowd died down. "Now I can't go on my quest!" Calliope said, crestfallen. "What's an Uber Mega Rainbow Prophecy of Death without a Nico/OC ship?"

Everyone nodded and meandered away glumly. Fathead the Fairy/Laistrygonian fluttered away into the forest, and Chiron went off to do whatever it is he does in fanfictions when he isn't announcing an Uber Mega Rainbow Prophecy of Death.

Calliope glided back to Jenna and Leif, who was just turning off the camera. "How did I do?" she asked cheerfully.

"Um... excellent! Great! It'll be a wonderful show!" Jenna said.

Calliope giggled. It seemed she only heard what others said when they were praising her. "I'd love to stay and see it, but they're calling me over in the Harry Potter section. It seems Draco Malfoy needs a new girlfriend," she explained. "So, time for me to fly!"

It turned out, she meant that literally. With that, magnificent wings glittering in every color sprouted from her back, and she flew off.

"So, ah... won't everyone remember this when they watch it being broadcast tomorrow?" Leif said.

Jenna shook her head. "Think about it. No one _ever_ knows what they're doing when a Mary Sue is around. They'll snap back into it in an hour or so and won't remember a thing."

She took a long drink of hot sauce, then grinned. "You _have_ to admit that was pretty fun, right?"

Leif rolled his eyes. "It was... entertaining."

Jenna laughed. "See? I promise, it'll be great."

**I know it's pretty choppy and poorly written, but I have other things to do than take fanfiction seriously. Ciao!**


End file.
